Why do we keep repeating old stories?
And how to tap into new possibilities
If you missed the last edition, we explored gentle goal setting. Check it out below!
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
This week’s newsletter was inspired by something I’ve been journaling about a lot lately—something I think might resonate with others:
The stories we tell ourselves and why it’s so hard to rewrite some of them.
I consider myself a self-aware person—I know my triggers and I’m comfortable expressing my feelings. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy, engaging in coaching, delving into personal development, and alternative healing (I’ve tried a lot of things). Yet, there are a few narratives I still can’t seem to shake. Sometimes they disappear for a while, but they tend to find their way back—in particular during low points.
After all the self-work I’ve done and my desire to support others through coaching, I sometimes feel frustrated when I catch myself holding onto stories that no longer serve me. However, I also recognize this as a protection mechanism. My survival brain is staying hypervigilant to shield me from experiencing similar situations.
Understanding the First and Second Arrows
Our nervous system stores past experiences as implicit memories, shaping our beliefs and influencing how we predict future outcomes. When we go through something difficult—like the end of a significant relationship—we experience pain and grief, often referred to as the first arrow. However, instead of tending to the pain beneath that first arrow, we often shoot ourselves with a second one, layering on judgment, negative self-talk and shame (“Why am I still not over this?”).
Many people, myself included, get stuck in the pain, anxiety and self-blame of the second arrow. We want to use that pain to guide our behaviour, hoping to prevent it from happening again. In Buddhist teachings this is known as The Parable of the Two Arrows. Buddha taught that while we can’t always control the first arrow (the initial pain), we can choose not to shoot the second arrow (add more suffering). Of course, this can feel easier said than done, and we'll dive into why below.
If you’ve ever made a decision for your present or future self based on a past hurt, it might be an invitation to spend more time with your first arrow. Our body sensations can’t be fully explored if we’re too focused on the story our thinking brain is reciting.
Sometimes, we just need to sit with the emotions—sadness, anger, disappointment—rather than rushing to assign meaning or strategize ways to avoid feeling this way again. Of course, depending on the nature of the first arrow, some experiences may be best processed with the support of a therapist.
It’s common to turn the force of our emotions inward, but research shows that self-compassion is linked to greater psychological resilience and more effective emotional regulation. Understanding the nervous system and practicing self-regulation (and co-regulation) can help loosen the effect of the second arrow.
Practices like loving-kindness meditation or simply placing a hand(s) on the part of the body where we feel the sensations can help bring us back to regulation. Small, repeated experiences of returning to a regulated state support growth and lasting change—also known as neuroplasticity.
The Role of the Nervous System in Our Stories
So why do we layer on more suffering when we’re already in pain? Neuroception, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, refers to the unconscious process of appraising what’s happening inside and outside our body. Experiences are then either labeled as threats or opportunities and safety.
This all happens in our survival brain, which generates emotions and physical sensations to trigger nervous system responses and influence our interactions. Our survival brain engages in bottom-up processing— perceiving and interpreting the world around us based on sensory input.
While integrating top-down processing—such as thoughts, language, and reasoning—is important, doing so alone won’t change the story if we’re not calming our nervous system enough to feel safe.
People with a wide Window of Tolerance (range of emotional arousal in which we can function most effectively) are more likely to neurocept danger accurately, respond flexibly, and recover more fully from stress activation. On the other hand, people with a more narrow Window of Tolerance are more likely to neurocept danger inaccurately and then respond inflexibly, with fight/flight or freeze responses.
Our mind narrates what our body knows—shaped by past experiences and learned patterns. The brain translates these stories into beliefs, using predictions and assumptions to guide how we perceive the world. These beliefs ultimately shape how we act and react.
However, the stories we tell ourselves is not fixed. It shifts depending on our nervous system state. When we are regulated, the lens through which we view our experiences is clearer, and we are better able to access the truth of a situation. Conversely, when we are dysregulated, our story can become clouded by fear, anxiety, or past trauma.
The key to rewriting these stories lies in regulation. We can’t simply tell our nervous system to feel safe; we need to show it. By returning to a regulated state (within our Window of Tolerance), our survival brain learns something new. We can then revisit old stories and assess them from a place of greater clarity and resourcefulness. We may even find that the old story becomes less relevant, replaced by a more nourishing (and accurate) one.
Root & Rise Practices:
Journal prompts: Expressive writing is a powerful tool for making sense of things, and research shows it’s correlated with higher HRV (Heart Rate Variability). It can also lead to new perspectives.
What recent or past experience has brought up strong emotions for me? How did I feel in that moment?
What judgments or negative self-talk do I attach to this experience?
If I let go of the second arrow, what new possibility or perspective might emerge?
Once I’ve returned to a more regulated state, what do I know to be true (i.e., how has my story narration changed)?
Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) or tapping: is a complementary therapy based on the principles of Traditional Chinese Medicine. It involves tapping on key acupressure points on the hands, face, and body, combining a gentle touch with mindful attention to our thoughts and feelings.
EFT works in two ways: a cognitive (top-down) method that targets beliefs and thoughts, and a physiological (bottom-up) method that promotes relaxation of the body and alleviates emotional tension, which can influence our perceptions of certain situations.
Several online resources helped me when I started using EFT, in particular Brad Yates. I also offer 1:1 EFT tapping sessions, you can book here. I can incorporate EFT into coaching sessions if there’s interest
Final Thoughts: Rewriting our Story with Compassion
Some days, I wonder if certain beliefs are too deeply ingrained to truly change. But then I remind myself that through neuroplasticity, our brains have an incredible ability to adapt and rewire based on experience. And we can cultivate new experiences by practicing awareness, self-compassion, and nervous system regulation.
How do you find ways to shift your perspective when you’re feeling stuck in an old narrative? Feel free to share any practices or insights in the comments!
Gentle hug,
Caitlin
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